What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
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i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
[team dumps Gatorade on head coach after victory but head coach just happens to be the Wicked Witch of the West]
COACH: you idiots *melts*
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
Perfect
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
7-year-old: I don’t want mashed potatoes.
Me: They’re just like French fries.
7: Then give me French fries.
There’s a flaw in her logic, but I can’t find it.
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?