Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
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“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
lost dog
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.