My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
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Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
Dolls on drugs
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
oh u like history? name everything that happened
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”