please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
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A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
Birds & Planes.
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*