Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
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Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank