You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
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I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
DOG (watching me stuff my face): Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the floor. Let the Cheez-Its hit the–
ME: Ope…
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
It’s with great sadness that I must say goodbye to you all!
My boyfriend and I argued over how much time I spend on here. He said I must choose between y’all or him. So, I’m gonna be offline for a couple minutes while I help him pack & call him an Uber … I’ll be right back
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
I’m about to lose 20 pounds.
*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.