@nerdcula

You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself

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@dshack8

Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.

@cupcakelynda

My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.

@tastefactory

I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up

@ericsshadow

The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.

@IronBiggie

What is love?

You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?

@BacklineNurse

*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS

@TheDanielleRock

I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.

-Every girl, ever.

@tchrquotes

Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?

@HenpeckedHal

For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.