Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
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My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.