@dshack8 Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
@nerdcula You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
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@dshack8 
@cupcakelynda My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
@gemmacorrell 
@tastefactory I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
@ericsshadow The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
@IronBiggie What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
@BacklineNurse *sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
@TheDanielleRock I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
@tchrquotes Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
@HenpeckedHal For someone I’ve had to physically restrain from eating dog shit, my son is awfully particular about which grapes he’s going to eat.