You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
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22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
My only real argument for having multiple children is that the older one will eventually be able to help the younger one with Common Core math.
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
“I wish there was some kind of drink that would make you feel awake.” I say, just loud enough for my coffee to hear.
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
When I asked my daughter if she liked student council last year she said thoughtfully, ‘I did. There were a lot of free snacks,” and so sometimes people are drawn to leadership roles with Cheezits.
It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
This rocks
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭