Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
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Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like ‘that explains it.’
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
me: [angrily flipping over table] I TOLD U I HATE BOARD GAMES U CHEATING LITTLE SHIT
daughter: once again, how does one cheat at hungry hungry hippos
my daughter told me that I am eating my elderly era. I’m not sure what that means and if I should thank her or ground her
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
Had a spot of bother earlier.
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.