There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
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7:00AM – I am NOT going to lose my shit & yell at the kids today.
7:15AM – Dammit.
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
When someone says you are so lazy
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.
12: This apple tastes funny.
Me: That’s because it’s a peach.
Also me: Starts spending 12’s college fund.
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
what’s the point then??
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar