[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
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If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
YOUR FACE
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
*pronounces UPS like yoops
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
i choose….tongue
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
no one likes gloating
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”