People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
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interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
my parents’ wedding videographer intercut a clip from kermit and miss piggy’s wedding into their service?? without asking???
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
Can’t, holding a grudge
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
Nobody plays better together than siblings being told it’s bedtime
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
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Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes![]()
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.