@TheFirstDudish

People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.

You Might Also Like

@Erin1137

*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*

**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**

@RickAaron

My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.

@No_tact_here

The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….

….idiot….

@trevso_electric

Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.

@roxiqt

Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.

@WilliamAder

Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”

@nekolot

#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?

@Hadzilla

No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though