People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
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Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
Day 4. They suspect nothing.
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.