People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
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Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
I hope we get the nice AI that enslaves us and makes us their pets and not the bad AI that enslaves us to mine lithium or something.
What the dentist sees
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
plums roundup
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.