People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.

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*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*

**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**


My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.


The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….



Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.


Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.


Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”


#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?


No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though