The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
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If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
All spots are cat’s spot. This was clearly established in the Supreme Court case of Fits v. Sits.
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
Become ungovernable.
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
when someone rings the doorbell
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems