I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
I accidentally hit a parked car so I left them a note that said “next time it will be you”
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
3: *looking up at the lights* what’s that mummy?
me: they’re lights
3: no I mean the spirits in front of them
me:
me:
me:
3: what’s for dinner
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
It was worth a shot 😂
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
This a good idea
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
