[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
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Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
Air pods looking like an angry frog
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”
-Oh really? Why?
“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”
Not being an heiress has ruined my life
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
[Donald Trump’s election speech]
“America, I have only 1 thing to say”
*pulls off wig & mask revealing Ashton Kutcher*
“YOU’VE BEEN PUNK’D”
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.