“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
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he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
my proudest tweet
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
“So send me a picture of you…”
*sends*
“Look I need to leave very abruptly and extremely forever.”
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
🤣🤣🤣
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
why count sheep when I can count my troubles