West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
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You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
Women are like jelly donuts.
No… women are more like a danish.
On 2nd thought, they’re like a giant cookie.
Sorry, I’m at the Bakery.
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
Men’s 3-in-1 soap is for your hair, body, and car.
*visits random websites just for the cookies*
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it