WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
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Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
My local police department must really love me.
They’ve devoted an entire facebook post about me, and described me as ‘outstanding’.
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no