@TheAndrewNadeau

WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.

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@ADHDeanASL

Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️

@thejessbess

A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.

@gringothespice

My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

All of Ariel’s mer-sisters’ names started with A too. More like keeping up with the Karsplashians.

@cdpeck

I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.

@LizerReal

I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????

@DrakeGatsby

The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*

[Next Night]

Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit

@PhilJamesson

Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]

@CourtneyBale

[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?