ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
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Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
My girl put concealer on and now I can’t find her.
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
Huge, if true.
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
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On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.