I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
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Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
Most guys will go gay for the night with the right amount of sangria & Foreigner playing in the background
Don’t ask me how I know
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
You’re born, you grow up, you start listening to a Pink Floyd song, you get married, have kids, you die, the song hasn’t finished.
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.
[first day in prison]
“I need to speak to management. There is no way I can use this generic bar soap on my face.”
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
You gotta know when to tweet em
Know when to delete em
Know when to follow someone
Know when to run
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.