[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
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Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
[French restaurant]
DANIEL: Promise me, not again
MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?
[waiter comes]
D: Don-
M: [waves hand] Garcoff
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
🖤✌🏽
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
“POLICE, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.”
Show me a badge.
*cop gets badge out*
I didn’t say Simon Says.
“Let’s go home guys. Sorry, my fault.”
why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”