[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!![]()
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Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
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Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.