Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.

Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.

I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.

Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.

I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play

A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.

I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”

I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.

It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.

I love you to the refrigerator and back

*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*

Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.

Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.

DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.

Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat

My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze

When I was a young boy the doctor told me I had a lazy eye..

by the time I was 50 it had spread to the rest of my body.

Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.

smh

You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom

Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.

Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds

Did it again.

Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes

No wonder it’s gone cold. Someone’s left the freezer door open.

I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out

Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.

If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.

It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.

my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.