Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”

There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.

How do you call a meerkat?

C’meerkat.

Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up

Axl Rose: Where do we go?

Me: Left

Axl: Where do we go now?

Me: Straight.

Axl: Oh, where do we go now?

Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!

I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.

I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!

“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”

– How my friends explain me to others.

Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah

*20 minutes later

Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭

I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”

11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.

My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.

I have to go pack now. The movers are here.

I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in

I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes

Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.

#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings

A groundhog taking the wheel

Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.

Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”

Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.

*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*

“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.

Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies

Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.

I came.
I saw.
I forgot why I went upstairs.

People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.

If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.

Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?

Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus

Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.

Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.

I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.

And a Czech one too.