Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.

Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”

how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay

Person: *yelling at me*

Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better

Person: *abruptly shutting up*

Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”

ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today

TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨

wtf guy on bumble was like “I don’t like bumble can we talk on snap?” I was like “I don’t have snap u can message me on insta” and he was like “I don’t have insta what about kik” I was like “I don’t have kik what abt comments section of youtube video” and he unmatched me

[breakfast in hell]

STALIN: Toast is burnt

POL POT: Eggs are rotten

HITLER: I hate the juice

STALIN: Oh here we go

HITLER: I said JUICE

HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes

ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree

Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?

me: the earth isn’t flat

fiat earther: correct

me: huh?

fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car

me: what?

fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?

Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.

The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey

[first day as a baker]

boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again

me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second

Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.

Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.

I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂

Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.

Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”

Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster

Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security

Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI

Legend of Tarzan 2:

Tarzan meets other primates.

He befriends them all.

He teaches them to fight.

It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.

Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.

ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”

How to make it rain:

-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”

Not today, today.
Not today.

Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.

Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns

Adhd brain is amusing.

I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.

My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”

If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.