If you throw a pot of boiling spaghetti at someone’s face and it sticks, it’s done.
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That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
Friend: So, do you workout?
Me: OMG, have you SEEN my abs?!?
Friend: No
Me: Yeah, neither have I.
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
*Show and tell day*
Me: You know what to do?
Daughter: Wait until I’m asked, then yell “it’s loose, cover your mouths!”
Me: *hands her an unoccupied terrarium* That’s my girl
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes