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Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
Hey Walmart, don’t be pissed at me for not scanning everything
you literally gave me zero training before promoting me to cashier.
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
When I said I like it rough.. I meant sex, not the entire relationship.
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.