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Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
me: how was your camping trip
5 y/o: good
me: what’d you guys do
5 y/o: camped
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
mike tyson is short for michael thankyouson (i’m so sorry)
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
LMAO.
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Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon