I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
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Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
just pretend nothing happened
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
[Barber holding a mirror showing me the back of my neck] nope, no good, please start over
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
This is gonna be the worst sex tape ever. RT @KimKardashian: What you gonna do when you have Hulk Hogan in the house!!?!!
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
age 9- *jumps off fences, feels fine*
age 19- *jumps off garage on a dare, feels fine*
age 39- *takes Aleve cuz I “slept funny”
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped