Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
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I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
This meeting could have been a cake
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue