Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
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Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
Not today
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Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
One day you’re hip and cool, and then out of nowhere you say things like hip and cool.
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
Not much, just measuring things in cups to annoy Europeans, what about you?
Angry when I have to prove I’m not a robot and angry at those who built the robots for whom I am held accountable for.
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
going to ask seven friends for advice and then execute my original plan
3: *tries a new thing, screams and fights, finally does the thing, cries that he’s done
Absolutely no one:
3: that was SO MUCH FUN, we have to do it again soon!!!!
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
You got this…
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