The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.

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WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?

ME: Of course

BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO


COP: are you armed

ME: yes

COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count

ME [sadly]: then no


My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.


A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.


Him: you seem disappointed

Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet

Him: this is a suite

Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!


Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL


Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.


Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.

~family owned restaurants.