The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
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checking out some reviews of my local library
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
Every time a house is evil, a disaster, and full of demons in a movie we find out someone used a Ouija board so anyway guess when I’m saying is at what point did America use a ouija board
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
What I learned from Titanic was that u need to have sex as soon as possilble with the person u like cause u never know what might happen.
I was offering free mammograms in the company parking lot long before my employer was doing it.
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons