back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
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Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I鈥檓 only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven鈥檛 grown more fingers yet
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 馃槨馃棷
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
Wait!! There’s a box??? 馃槀馃槤
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I鈥檓 just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain鈥檛 need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma鈥檃m
Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
NO I DON鈥橳 KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn鈥檛 make batteries .
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before