Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
You Might Also Like
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
For cardio I live beyond my means.
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
Dating tip:
If she says she’s into beards, don’t compliment hers.
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
nothing saves money like being antisocial
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours