Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
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Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
As a parent on vacation, the absolute dumbest thing you can do is let the kids stay up late, assuming they’ll sleep in. Ask me how I know.
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
Many experts believe that the first person to live to 200 years old has already been born and all I can say is it sure as shit better not be me
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
People think getting married young is a bad idea.
I got married young and everything worked out.…not with her, obviously, but still.
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
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What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him outside but I set him down and now I’m not sure which one is Simon oh no
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure