If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
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me hooking up with my ex
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
mom gave me mine for free
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.