mom gave me mine for free
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If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”