Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
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Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
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My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!