I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
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Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
Today was old man training day for the boy. Lunch was pickled eggs and sandwiches and we talked about the weather. Then, over a dinner of chowder we complained about the music kids these days are listening to and then we had pie and coffee in complete silence.
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Santa.”
“Santa who?”
“Santa who has to use the door because you left your fireplace burning, jackass.”
Whatever doesn’t kill you TRIED TO KILL YOU!
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
just got my engagement photos
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
Venn
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?