Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
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Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
Life hack: Never actually say the words ‘Life hack’ out loud.
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him