I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
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There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
NO, I will not come get candy from your van, Im not craz..
Oh cookies? Hmm.
Double stuff?! You don’t say!
The white one w/ no windows? Sure!
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
GUY 1: a bee flew in my eye
GUY 2: I just ate a bird
GUY IN BACK: I can’t hear u
TOGETHER: there must be a better way
NARRATOR: windshields
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.