Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
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Leaving my son at college
Me, crying: Eat healthy food, dress warm when it’s cold, be careful late at night, wash your sheets once a week, take vitamin c every morning
Husband: Love ya bud
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
this has to be peak English
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met