Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
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“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
Batman v Dracula
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.