“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
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Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
If the kids can eat chocolate eggs for breakfast, that means I can have Bailey’s in my coffee, right?
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it