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My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
I’ve seen The Blair Witch Project and that’s all I need to know about camping.