Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
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On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
a lot to unpack here
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
Dog Morpheus: Ok, Dog Neo. You take the grey pill, you wake up in your kennel. But if you take the GREY pill – I will show you the Matrix.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what