When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
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A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
Jupiter
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
People are impressed by the guy who arrives in a Ferrari.
But they remember the guy who shows up on a pogo stick.
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.