The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
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Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
never ask a starfish for directions
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
When an IT person pisses me off I just wait until 4:45pm to crash my computer.
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.