I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.

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So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?


If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.

“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”


Dear young cashier,

$100.89 is not pronounced $189.

Signed, a lady you scared


Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.


My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight

Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it


“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”


Wife: Why did the little mermaid wear seashells?

Me: Because she was too small for D-shells.



Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.

Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.


[Speed dating]

Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!