I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
You Might Also Like
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.
Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
Dietest Coke
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.