If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
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If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
Heavens to Betsy
Betsy to Heavens
Heavens BACK to Betsy
Betsy-GOOOOOAAAALLLLLLLL
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.