Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
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What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
Just a friendly reminder!
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
A religious family member literally said “Spongebob goes too far sometimes” and I can not stop laughing.
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
Plant care tips
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)