Guy about to write “12 days of christmas:” help i need last minute gifts!
bird keeper: ok hear me out.
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My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
I’m into all kinds of spirits: the paranormal kind and the drinking kind.
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
In case you’re wondering how sadistic toddlers are, my 3yo just bit into a hard boiled egg and was upset that there wasn’t a baby in it.
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
i love meeting boys on tinder
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
*pronounces UPS like yoops
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.