Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
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My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
Me as a kid: I’m going out in the woods. I’ll be back in 8 hours
My parents: Cool
My kid now: I’m going to a public park with my friend. I’ll be back in an hour, and will have my phone with me
Me: I don’t know – that sounds dangerous.
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night