A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
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[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
nyc:
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
Look, when I said I would “do anything” to bring Eurydice back from the Underworld I obviously meant “besides walk in a straight line without turning around”
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
When you’re Kinky but poor
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?