I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
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Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
shit just got real
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
If you get really mad, stop and count to five. Then punch them as hard as you can. The five second delay will surprise them.
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.