Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
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We had 3 kids, but once TVs came w/ remotes we put them up for adoption
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
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I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
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My good tweets are in my other pants.
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
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[chameleon conference]
Boss: Is… everyone here?
*crickets*
Boss: I know Keith is. He brought the yummy crickets. Thx
Keith: You’re welcome
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
My wife is listening to an ad about chainsaws. I’m worried.
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.