Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
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[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
The weird similarities between gold nuggets and chicken nuggets
– come from a pan
– golden color
– get stuck in my throat when I swallow them whole
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
Well, Clarice, have the lambs stopped screaming?
ROFLMFAO!
JK! Lolz
Ttyl KK
Ur BFF,
Hannibal
~ Hannibal Lecter discovers text messages
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
some cats are just doing for fun!
Overheard a lady say, well, my sister-in-law, she’s a bit of a mess… And from my table I wanted to yell Go on.
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
Netflix and awkward silence?
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
*takes bite of cookie*
Aw man this is awful
*takes another bite*
Still bad. But I better eat the rest to see if it gets better
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half