I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
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YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
*shopping*
4yo: I found pajamas with a t-rex on them. We can go home now
Me: We need other stuff too
4yo: No. This is all we need. Let’s go!
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
CAT: so thirsty
ME: *gives water*
CAT: *knocks bowl over on purpose*
CAT: hey! dying of thirst here
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
when your ex needs to go to space about it, you won the divorce
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
My 10 y/o daughter refused to eat the oatmeal I made her because it “tastes like wet cardboard” so I tried to be funny and asked her how she would know what wet cardboard tastes like.
10: Don’t ask. The pandemic was hard on all of us.
Actually cracking up @ this
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
[me, stacking babies on top of each other]
Him: Wha…What are you doin there?
Me: Oh, you know, just building up the infant structure.
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard