Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
You Might Also Like
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
I was going to pay my mortgage this month, but I was asked to bring guacamole to the family potluck.
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.