Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
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Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
Beards are a privilege, not a right
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
Going into Monday like
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
oh you like online scams? name all the numbers on your credit card
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.